Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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