im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
