My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
