420 ftw
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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