He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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