FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
