I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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