My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
