I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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