We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
