I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
