I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
