You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
