STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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