everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
