Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
