I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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