I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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