it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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