How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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