woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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