not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
