I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
