Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
