wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
