Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
