for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
