Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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