just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
