I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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