that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
