I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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