I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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