that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
