I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
