He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
