neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize