Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
