So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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