i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize