If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
