and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
