Yo dont text me then not text me
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize