so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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