Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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