I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
