I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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