my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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