i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
