she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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