you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
