So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
