Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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