I saw his package. It spoke to me.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
