A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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