I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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