My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
