I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
