How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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