Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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