i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize