Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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