If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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