I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
