So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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