he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
