I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
