I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
