this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
