I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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