I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
